Pachanga Diaries

Difficulty: Moderately challenging (especially for some guys out there; geeks, frat boys, for example).

Timing is everything – There will be certain days of the month in which you are going to be a jerk anyways, no matter what. Therefore, always wait until she decides when to go on a date. Be her friend in the meantime, and never push for a date.
Dress nicely – The average woman changes her clothes four times before she leaves the house. Don’t embarrass your date by showing up mismatched.
Be considerate – Call if you’ll be late. If you don’t show up, don’t expect another chance, you are screwed.
Be careful with the compliments - “You look nice,” gives a woman no information. “I love your shoes,” wins extra points.
Keep it to yourself – Avoid talking about your ex, her ex, your mother (or how much she reminds you of your mother), how many beers and/or how wasted you got the other day with your buddies, your medications (especially, what are they for), sexual fantasies, or that you enjoy “recreational” drugs.
Be yourself – Not really. What I really mean is; be the best of you. Meaning, keep your mouth shut unless asked otherwise. You will tend to impress her or sell yourself with big stories of money, beer drinking, kicking someone’s butt, or fast cars. In fact, the less you talk about yourself, the better. Remember that she has changed three to four times before leaving her house. Get the hint?

Frat boy – “Which hint? What is he talking about?”
Never mind. Just stop reading this article, frat boy. Go back to your TV and beer burping.

Stop staring – … at her breasts or other women’s breasts. I know it’s difficult but, you could try some exercises for a week before your date her. Download pictures of Pamela Anderson into your computer’s screen saver. Set the Wait minutes feature to one minute and give your date a call to ask about her day. When the screen saver of Pamela and her twin friends show up …. Focus damn it, Focus !!!
Don’t drink too much – You should always consume a little less alcohol than her otherwise reading this article will be a waste of time and everything will go to her.
Never Beg – never beg for sex after the night is over that is a clear indication that you are really bad in bed.

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Microbiologists have found fecal, skin-infection-causing bacteria and cold viruses or viruses that cause diarrhea in those cute handbags women carry around. Like the first mythological woman, Pandora, women carry around little cute storages that confine all the evils that could trouble humanity.

Hundreds of thousands of germs were found on the surface of handbags that have been carried around for years. In a scientific study, half of the bags tested positive for coliform bacteria, which indicated the possible presence of human or animal waste.

So, why germs love purses? Well it is definitely dark in there and possible humid because no one really know what sort of things are in there. Have you ever seen a purse’s contents? I haven’t. It is truly a mystery how a brand new roll of toilet paper can fit in a hand-size bag. I have even seen a very sick cat coming out of a purse.

Woman – “This is my cat, Kitty, and she is a little sick now but she is going to be better soon. Oh look! It is that half organic sandwich I have been looking for. Do you want a bite? No, Ok.”

Next time I have my female friends over I’m going to have to tell them; “Could you please take your shoes off by the door … and handbags and purses too”?

Note to self; Women with washable or not purses, keepers.

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By looking at the apple from the tree of knowledge, it seems to me that Eve was setup by the devil. Why have we blamed Eve for giving the first bite and then being kicked out of paradise? It was instinct, NOT transgression.

Now, what I don’t understand is why Adam went for a bite…??

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“You are not gonna wear that now!”
“I’ll be happy to go to your mom for thanksgiving.”
“Go ahead and spend the day at the golf club.”
“I think you look good with a little belly.”
“Do you want me to get another six pack while you keep watching the game with your friends?”
“Oh no baby, it didn’t smell like bad chili, and you don’t have to shake it off the sheets.”
“What do you think of my friend Stefanie for that threesome you wanted for your birthday?”

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Have you ever wondered where do all marshmallow come from? Pachanga Productions brings you a short documentary about the unique marshmallow farms of Puerto Rico.

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Female intuition … I could write book about it. It is like the sixth sense that we guys haven’t developed because we are so preoccupied thinking about sex we missed the sometimes too obvious signals.

On the other hand, women are never pre-occupied with sex. They know is not really a challenge. Now, the challenge for women is; from who are they gonna get their next mind blowing orgasm followed by tender spooning, soft kisses and caresses. Instead, they usually get a snoring guy after two minutes performance of fireworks sex. Some snap, crackle, pop for him. Some guys might deliver the lite version … snap and pop.

That is one thing women don’t want a lite version of … sex. They can handle salads, tofu and organic wheat grass shots and some other plastic tasting foods. But in sex, no, they want the whole nine yards (well, in my case a few inches at a time).

It is not just sex that they want, it is a whole buffet starting with sexual appetizers and finishing with sexual desert. The sensual activities are the lite appetizers for the senses; candles, aromatic scents, romantic music, and soft dancing. Then some salad; bathing together in a Jacuzzi with bath oils, salts and bubbles. Then, the main dish. But not before a glass of wine and some more foreplay to, you know, “get things going”. By the time women are almost done with the main dish they are already impatient for desert; “Yeah, baby give it to me. Give me that banana flambé!”

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Dancing
Women love subtle physical contact. Think about it, dancing is a feast for the senses. That subtle, after shave smell, looking into your partner’s eyes, the taste of your chewing gum, the music and the touch of the bodies along with the rhythms. Women find guys who can dance, confident, romantic and fun. But please, dance to the rhythm; 1 … 2 … cha, cha, cha! … 3 … 4 …. cha, cha, cha!

Butts
Women prefer guys with cute butts – round and slightly bigger than the average hand size – and inverted triangle shape torsos. Broad shoulders and narrow hips are most attractive. Why do they like broad shoulders and narrow hips? I don’t know. Why do they like cute butts? … two words come to mind; bike handlers.

Fingers
Psychological studies shown that women find men with longer ring fingers more attractive, as the length of the ring finger is linked to sperm count. Yeah right, like that is the only reason.

By the way, how do psychologists come up with these studies? And where do they find these research subjects? Do they post ads on colleges and cities that say;

“Get paid for something you do, anyways. For more information call 1-800-hands-on and go wild. $10 per deposit”

Eyes
Another study indicates that clear eyes suggest health and fertility. On a related note, smoking pot decreases sperm count and increases eye redness. Well, even I could have figured that one out, and I’m not a psychologist. Also, women consider wearing glasses an unconscious suggestion of physical weakness and blue-eyed men more sexually mature. Dark-eyed men are sexually immature, we love to play, foreplay. ;-P

A “Some-freaky-university-in-England” study reported that after couples that have never met stared at each other for four minutes, most of them reported an attraction afterwards. Yes, an attraction to munchies. I’ll be freaking out if someone I don’t know stares at me for four minutes.

- “Baby, you are hot and everything but you are freaking me out. If you are not picturing me naked I’m out of here, you weirdo”

Mouth
Why is Aerosmith’s Steve Tyler so attractive to women? Apparently, women find guys that have a mouth 60% wider than their nose. I’m certain Stevie boy is like 200% wider. Have you seen his mouth, jeez!! He is like a sea shell with legs.

Smell
I’m not taking a shower anymore! A sweaty smell of a man boosts the flow of blood in the area of a woman’s brain that control sex.

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While doing my taxes, I had to go through all my receipts from last year and found all the Christmas gifts receipts.
I realized that somehow the gifts I gave to my friends were difficult to find yet thoughtful and practical.

I did put a lot of thought into this. Yes, I do love to give practical gifts to my friends.
Take a look at what kind of gifts you might be getting for your birthday or for, the far away from now, Christmas.

Car Freshener for Trista

Because we all know how much she loves her
president.
———————————————–
I even got something for myself. A flat cat stand up

Because I’m allergic to cats.
———————————————–
French kissing Buble Gum for Sebastien

Because ….(scratching head) he is french …
———————————————–
Instant Afro Gum for Manny.

Because he is a very busy guy always on the go.
———————————————–
Marihuana Breath Spray for Juanita

Because … well, no comments.

———————————————–
WhoDAMAN? Mega Kit for Roberto. Includes WHODAMAN tongue
spray.

Because, WhoDAMAN ?!!

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The secret is hidden right before your eyes …

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For some time now I have been wanting to share some of my hobbies with you guys. One of the most interesting and expensive hobby I have is photo crashing. I started doing Photo Crashing by accident. As a Puertorrican, I always get attracted by free-food. Back in the time when pictures were black and white I was told there was some free food at some public protest. Somehow, while looking for the Nachos and Hawaiian Punch, I ended up on stage and on the cover of a national magazine. That’s when I decided to pursue Professional Photo Crashing as a hobby.

Below, some of the best pictures of my Photo Crasher Collection(including the very first one).
Enjoy !!

My very first accidental photo crash. Good Times !

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December 27, 2004.

Three different check-in counters later, two cigarettes, terminal A, three telephone calls, one burger, a quick “hello” to an old friend that I found at the terminal, two on board movies, an hour and some-time of sleep, and seven and a half “freaking” hours of listening to two “teen gringos de “mierda…” here I am. 65,000 feet above the earth, in between a one and a half feet of space, sandwiched by plastic, uncomfortable airplane seats. I’m about to scream for the twelfth time …

“SHUT UP!!”.

“Flying coach for more than five hours can accelerate the aging process or even worsen your mental health.”

They should have a sign next to the check-in counter where you buy airplane tickets. In the same way cigarrettes are advertised as – “smokers die young” – in the european cigarrettes packs, likewise it should be advertised that flying at high speeds and in coach class will aged you.

No, no, time doesn’t expand when you are traveling a high speed like Einstein’s special relativity theory establishes, you just consume your life and die!!

***

I guess I need to relax since they are a few more flying hours ahead of me. I still need to take another airplane and then several trains to arrive to my final destination, Santiago de Compostela.

***

Yes, I have seen it all in this flight; the snorer, the sleepy woman, the screaming baby, the crying baby, the baby crawling in the middle of the narrow halway that I almost stepped on when I was going to the bathroom. Yes, he was crawling by himself through the airplane like a little bug in the middle of a busy Manhattan’s sidewalk. Where are the parents? I wonder … Mmmh, perhaps the sleepy woman next to the snorer guy. Funny? Ironic? whatever. While in my uncomfortable seat I decided to put the book away and watch a movie. I have never seing this movie. It looks interesting … – I thought – what da’ ?? Of course there is a little girl seated in the front row right under the movie screen that suddenly decided jump up and down in front of the screen … beautiful, just beautiful. So you are probably thinking “You have forgotten something that always happens in an airplane” … no, i haven’t; the baby smelling like shit for the last four hours. Is it that the parents’ noses are completly inmume or they just don’t give a shit anymore (ironic, how the english language works).

- Give me the freaking diaper and I change him myself !! -

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Later, I decided to dance. After the first song, I was exhausted and thinking – “I might have found that special person” – I felt sparks when I touched her. That’s a sign !! The feeling didn’t last long when I discover that a dance floor in this place does not exist … everything is carpeted so was electrostatically charged. So there you have it; the perfect place not to dance salsa; Latin jazz and carpeted floor. … I forgot, the air conditioning wasn’t on either. I’m still going this Sunday because not many people know about it and it is always nice to spend some time with friends on Sunday afternoon … just before the beginning of the week.

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